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High Horoscopes | May 2017

Aelie Câlin

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The High Times astrological forecast, complete with strain recommendations!

Ask Aelie anything! Find her on Facebook and Twitter.

ARIES

Your power object for the month of May: a small, ornate, standing mirror. What you tell yourself when you gaze at your reflection carries an immense amount of power. A certain amount of self-criticism is inescapable, but try seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. Really—take a second, look at yourself, and say aloud: “I love you.” There, doesn’t that feel nice? Now put on something that makes you feel good—a silk robe or a three-piece suit, whatever sassy-fies you the most—blow yourself a li’l kiss in the mirror, and sashay away to face the day with that famed Aries confidence. And if you come up against any negativity, dispel it with the magic of someone who knows how to love herself, first and foremost, in a healthy, independent way. Strain recommendation: Pink Panties  

TAURUS

Your power object for the month of May: A dustpan and broom. It’s not hard to decipher the symbolism of these objects… you use them to sweep away the cobwebs, clean off the dust, tidy it up and throw it all away. That pile of pride and embarrassment is nothing but chicken bones and ash. Make a bonfire of vanity. Send the corpse out on a flotilla of fear and set it afire with a burning spear. It is time to embrace the truth of this moment, no matter how much you’ve dreaded it.  It might look ugly, but I promise that once you accept it with grace, it won’t be as terrible as you imagined. Not at all. Strain recommendation: White Widow

GEMINI

Your power object for the month of May: a reliable but well-worn minivan. It doesn’t smell good, it’s pretty dirty (inside and out) and the brakes are janky, but man, is it a dependable workhorse. This is just like the best friend everyone dreams of: always there when you need it, will happily carry your stuff, takes care of your kids, drives you to the airport, will move your furniture, get takeout at random times of the night with you and whisk you away to the movies or the desert when you need to escape life. We all need a friend like that. So why don’t you practice being a minivan this month? Someone in your circle, maybe not even someone super close, needs a van in human form. It’s a giving month—be of good use. Strain recommendation: Grapefruit

CANCER

Your power object for the month of May: a tiny paper boat floating in a deep puddle.  A gamine girl with a French name is imagining a storm approaching your vessel.  She blows at your sail, and your ship is tossed about, victim to her ingénue whims.  She flicks pomegranate seeds to the depict fire balls that erupt from a newly forming volcano just beneath your boat’s position.  It’s all so charmingly creative, isn’t it? Well your story doesn’t have an accordion on its soundtrack. Your boat will not be subject to the fancies of self-absorbed ideologues! You are at the helm, and you loaded your ship with the latest in rubber band and Q-Tip technology. You are not going down without a fight! Screw them kids with their own asses in their eyes—take control of your own narrative. Strain recommendation: Space Queen

LEO

Your power object for the month of May: A red pen. This month will be spent doing a lot of watching and critiquing. You don’t have a lot to say. You need time to absorb, and mull. Forming your own thoughts, without outside influence, takes more time than debating out a topic until your opinions fly out of your mouth. Take a minute. Weigh your ideas carefully, take notes, and make corrections to your thesis. Adjust. Write another draft. You are verging on an important moment in your journey; it is critical that your choices are well considered. Strain recommendation: Golden Goat

VIRGO

Your power object for the month of May: A service that outsources errands. Just call the service to come over and clean the dishes, make dinner, do the laundry and mow the lawn. Don’t lift a finger after typing in your credit card number. Let the world handle itself. You are on vacation as of now. While it will probably be a ‘stay in town and still go to work’ kind of vacation, you must find a way to make it feel as rejuvenating as four weeks in the tropics. Your body, mind and soul need this. This is not an emergency remedy to a burnout; it is an invitation to spend time staring at a leaf or feeling sand between your toes. To connect to touch, and smell, and taste and maybe give seeing and hearing a bit of a rest. Strain recommendation: White Fire OG

LIBRA

Your power object for the month of May: dandelions. I’ve never understood how such a cute little flower like a dandelion could be considered a weed. I used to pick bouquets of them for my mom, and make crowns of them to wear proudly in my royal forest court. This was before everyone got allergic to everything. Now these pretty little yellow bursts of sunshine are nasty pests that need destroying. Do you know of something that has gone through a dramatic reputation change that you just can’t get behind? Do you refuse to believe that orange juice isn’t good for you? Are you clinging to old VCR recordings of Eddie Murphy’s Delirious? It’s hard to let go of the things we thought were full of joy. So maybe don’t. Not this month at least. Live in nostalgia! Soak up the memories and good vibes. This world is harsh enough without pop rocks and Coke. Strain recommendation: Gelato

SCORPIO

Your power object for the month of May: a broken piece of tech. What to do with old technology accumulating in our modern households? A waterlogged keyboard, a dusty VCR, old batteries, cables that have no recognizable purpose in your home: sure, you can (and probably should) cart it away to the closest eco-center, but wouldn’t it be more fun to create terrible art out of it? Or repurpose it into Etsy jewelry? Or even use it as target practice? Of course we should be saving the environment and not creating stuff that will ultimately be garbage, but there is a little create/destroy energy in you that needs airing, and your recent hate/love with the modern world is a great place to start. Head up to the roof with a baseball bat and some computer mice and hit some home runs. Strain recommendation: Tangie Haze

SAGITTARIUS

Your power object for the month of May: a plastic placemat. I remember tracing continents on a plasticized world map that sat under my plate with the green beans I refused to eat as a child. This was before I invented the ‘wrap it in a napkin and flush then down the toilet or drop them behind the radiator’ trick. I thought if I played with them enough they would stop being food and become dirty objects that shouldn’t be put in my mouth. Well that didn’t work, and I accidentally learned a lot of geography. The lesson is to stop wishing for something to be something else and notice that you have learned something you hadn’t even considered. Strain recommendation: Snowcap

CAPRICORN

Your power object for the month of May: a little tea cup. This tiny, delicate object embodies your month because you are super fragile and yet still getting your job done. Failing is not in your comfort zone, especially when those you respect witness it. When you aren’t very good at something, getting up every day to go do it again can leave you feeling feeble. Nobody likes falling down, but Capricorn egos are very tied up in being capable and talented. You were told you were a precocious child; a lot was expected of you, and then when many of you grew up to be less than the insanely exceptional people you were predicted to be, it was disappointing. That’s how you developed the anxiety issues by the way. Cosmic advice for you is to embrace the gorgeous innocence that comes with trying as hard as you can despite the potential shame of failing terribly. Just be that kid that crosses the finish line six laps after everyone else, with a huge smile on his face!  Strain recommendation: God’s Gift

AQUARIUS

Your power object for the month of May: a bottle of fizzy water. Your vices have the tendency to make you their bitch from time to time. So it’s a good idea to take little vice vacations, just to remind them, and you, who’s boss. This month you put down the beer bottle. If you aren’t actually an alcoholic, one of the things you enjoy most about beer is the feeling of carbonation on the back of your throat. This is where the fizzy water comes in. Water is often touted as a panacea, but in this case, it’s not the water, but the trickery that will save you. Lying to yourself that the substitute is just as good if not better than the original thing is not always cause for psychoanalysis. Sometimes, the smartest route to well-being is pretending something is true until it is. Strain recommendation: Cherry Pie

PISCES

Your power object for the month of May: a big-ass pair of hoop earrings. There is a beautiful, Lemonade-esque shit-kicking lady screaming to be let out of you this month. Like a glam dame from the 70’s, with huge hair, a long leather coat and amazing shoes; you’re rockin’ the flashy jewelry the way only a truly confident woman can. I am seriously liking these colors on you! I’m reminded of your more rock’n’roll days, when you gave less of a crap and had more fun. If you can keep this edgy part of you riding the hot rods this month, the universe may just reward you with even more stunningly good times this summer. Strain recommendation: Bubble Gum

 

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