High Romance: Perils of a Single Stoner Chick

I’m a single woman, and a stoner—there, I’ve said it. I always own up to it early on; I stopped trying to put on a squeaky-clean face for dates years ago, when I realized I would never give up weed “for the right guy.” The right guy will have to be cool with it.

To me, being a stoner girlfriend seems like all upside. I am really hard to provoke. Anything you do wrong, you can usually make it up to me with a cupcake (vanilla-vanilla, please). Rub my back and I’ll forget my name, let alone why I was mad 10 minutes ago. I’m more laid back than Snoop Dogg in a La-Z-Boy. Plus, boobs!

Of course, upon finding out that I smoke weed, new acquaintances make assumptions about the kind of guy I’m into. “You’re single, right? Well, then, you should totally meet my friend [insert name]. You guys would be great together! He’s a stoner, too!”

Ay, Cupid. Slow your roll. Chances are, we wouldn’t be great together. With few exceptions, I think stoners generally shouldn’t date each other. Why not? Well, let’s un-pack the bowl:

Admittedly, this is a personal preference, but if you’ve even casually “checked out the talent,” you might spot a trend: as a generalization, stoners don’t appear to take personal grooming all that seriously. I’m in no position to judge—the lion’s share of my personal hygiene regimen involves baby wipes—but that’s exactly why I need my partner to have standards high enough to shame me into showering more than twice a week.

Related topic: stoner “fashion” – Don’t bring it into my house or my field of vision. I want a grown man with regular clothes, not a Trustafarian Ken doll. (I’d opine on dreads, but I don’t have the word count.)

While stoned, I might have a major revelation about the world, my place in it, and how to fix everything. I know that because it has happened somewhere between 37 and 2,576 times, roughly. So I need a witness to these epiphanies to help me recognize whether I just solved world hunger, or I’m just high. Also would be great if you can offer relief from the Great Dorito Famine of Last Tuesday Night.

I’m a straight woman, and in any heteronormative domestic arrangement, certain key responsibilities tend to default to us. For instance:

  • Make plans to leave house
  • Remember to write down said plans and tell partner
  • Know vaguely what day/time it is
  • Wear “outside clothes”
  • Not get the dog stoned
  • etc.

Noble aspirations, to be sure—I’m exhausted coming up with that list. I can’t take all that on! My plate is full. (Of Doritos, hopefully.)

So. Ideal guy? Simple enough: he 1) plans occasional nights out (and enjoys nights in); 2) thinks I’m hilarious (both stoned and stone cold); and 3) is Idris Elba. (Tweet me!)


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Posts
Read More

The Real Sticky Icky Icky

Snoop Dogg talks about the new hemp-infused beverage Do It Fluid, his smoking routine, and what he loves about cannabis.
Read More

The Library of Cannabis

HendRx Farm Nursery works to preserve the great works of ganja with their genetic preservation library.
Cultivating Spirits
Read More

Pairing Made Perfect

Founder of Cultivating Spirits, Philip Wolf, explains the concept behind his decade-long cannabis dinner series.