Connect with us

Hi, what are you looking for?

Culture

High Romance: Perils of a Single Stoner Chick

I’m a single woman, and a stoner—there, I’ve said it. I always own up to it early on; I stopped trying to put on a squeaky-clean face for dates years ago, when I realized I would never give up weed “for the right guy.” The right guy will have to be cool with it.

To me, being a stoner girlfriend seems like all upside. I am really hard to provoke. Anything you do wrong, you can usually make it up to me with a cupcake (vanilla-vanilla, please). Rub my back and I’ll forget my name, let alone why I was mad 10 minutes ago. I’m more laid back than Snoop Dogg in a La-Z-Boy. Plus, boobs!

Of course, upon finding out that I smoke weed, new acquaintances make assumptions about the kind of guy I’m into. “You’re single, right? Well, then, you should totally meet my friend [insert name]. You guys would be great together! He’s a stoner, too!”

Ay, Cupid. Slow your roll. Chances are, we wouldn’t be great together. With few exceptions, I think stoners generally shouldn’t date each other. Why not? Well, let’s un-pack the bowl:

Admittedly, this is a personal preference, but if you’ve even casually “checked out the talent,” you might spot a trend: as a generalization, stoners don’t appear to take personal grooming all that seriously. I’m in no position to judge—the lion’s share of my personal hygiene regimen involves baby wipes—but that’s exactly why I need my partner to have standards high enough to shame me into showering more than twice a week.

Related topic: stoner “fashion” – Don’t bring it into my house or my field of vision. I want a grown man with regular clothes, not a Trustafarian Ken doll. (I’d opine on dreads, but I don’t have the word count.)

While stoned, I might have a major revelation about the world, my place in it, and how to fix everything. I know that because it has happened somewhere between 37 and 2,576 times, roughly. So I need a witness to these epiphanies to help me recognize whether I just solved world hunger, or I’m just high. Also would be great if you can offer relief from the Great Dorito Famine of Last Tuesday Night.

I’m a straight woman, and in any heteronormative domestic arrangement, certain key responsibilities tend to default to us. For instance:

  • Make plans to leave house
  • Remember to write down said plans and tell partner
  • Know vaguely what day/time it is
  • Wear “outside clothes”
  • Not get the dog stoned
  • etc.

Noble aspirations, to be sure—I’m exhausted coming up with that list. I can’t take all that on! My plate is full. (Of Doritos, hopefully.)

So. Ideal guy? Simple enough: he 1) plans occasional nights out (and enjoys nights in); 2) thinks I’m hilarious (both stoned and stone cold); and 3) is Idris Elba. (Tweet me!)

 

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Advertisement

HT Newsletter

Subscribe for exclusive access to deals, free giveaways and more!

Thank you for subscribing.

Something went wrong.

Advertisement

You May Also Like

News

Marijuana crops can become negatively affected by hemp seeds, reducing yields.

Laws

A Seattle police officer served as the “muscle” for a sizable interstate marijuana smuggling operation run by his brother-in-law—who hired the cop because he...

Culture

Here is how science works: Scientific theories produce predictions. Reality, in terms of experiments or actual experience, proves whether or not those predictions were...

Culture

New data indicates that tax revenue from marijuana in Colorado has nearly doubled in the last year, increasing from $4.9 million by June last...

Business

Marijuana is legal to produce and possess in a number of states, and that number is likely to expand in the coming years. Which...

Health

Heroin use and overdose deaths are increasing rapidly in the United States, according to a recent report by the Center for Disease Control (CDC)...

Culture

While mainstream America waits to see if the drug enforcement agents will kick down the door of Indiana’s First Church of Cannabis and drop...

Culture

In the spirit of testing the boundaries of both prohibition and the Hoosier state’s newfound dedication to discrimination, Indiana’s First Cannabis Church has announced...

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!