What should you order when you're stoned at Taco Bell? We ate the whole friggin menu to find out.
I love Taco Bell, mostly when I’m high which is mostly most of the time. It’s my favorite thing to eat, but even I haven’t experienced the entire menu. At least I hadn’t experienced it, until I threw down on a bunch of pre-rolls from PUFF (my favorite is Balance), dropped $50 on Taco Bell—which buys you a ton of Taco Bell!—and hired professional photographer Joel Flora to capture me at “work.” I thought I knew what Taco Bell menu item would win. I thought I knew myself. I was wrong.
$1.00
Disgusting. I expected to bite into a sugary sweet Cinnabon filled with gooey frosting. Instead, I bit into a lump of dense dough that had soaked up all the icing like a sponge so when I bit into it nothing poured out except my own disappointment.
$1.00
Points for being a vegetarian option, but it’s just taco condiments piled on a hard taco shell – lettuce, tomato, cheese, and some top sauce slapped on a smear of beans – that’s lame. If I have a dollar I’m spending it on a soda or a Swisher, not this.
$1.79
Nope. It tastes like they grilled strips of a yellow rubber chicken instead of a real bird.
$1.00
It’s fine. Get it if you want. You’ll take a bite, and go, “It’s fine.”
$4.19
Now we’re talking! One of the sexiest cheese pulls in the game, but a tad too expensive to crack my Top 15.
$1.00
If Taco Bell teamed up with Costco to sell these in bulk they’d do Black Friday level sales. I usually buy two bags so I can house one on the drive home.
$1.00
It’s good, but it’s a Frito Burrito with off-brand chips. That’s like buying a box of cereal called Fortune Trinkets because Lucky Charms is a bit more expensive—you’re gonna wish you got the Lucky Charms.
$1.00
The chips are dank: thin, crispy, salty, and honestly I was so inspired I did something I’ve never done before and covered them in a trifecta of hot sauces. It was an excellent move I can’t recommend enough.
Both $1.49
Reliable, iconic, and delicious. These would be ranked higher, but Taco Bell has some wild concoctions on their menu right now, so this is where these belong.
$1.79
When Taco Bell retires Frito Burritos they’re gonna wind up in the Hall of Tacos (HOT).
PS: You’re welcome, Taco Bell, I just came up with the name of your Hall of Fame.
$1.00
Simply the best vegetarian option you can buy on their menu for less than $3.00.
$4.69
If Taco Bell had celebrities this is an A-lister: beef, guac, sour cream, ranch, beans, rice, pico, and cheese! C’mon, that’s the total package like Dua Lipa wrapped in a tortilla.
$2.99
It’s a stoners’ two favorite things: A burrito swaddled in a quesadilla. Perfect.
$1.99
Game changer. This OG opened the door for Taco Bell to make so many other ‘foods as taco shells’ like Elvis for say, the Chainsmokers.
$1.00
You may be thinking, “What is this doing in the Top Five?”, but this empanada is like a dab—until I tried it I didn’t think it was anything special. Then realized I was wrong.
$3.59
Reminds me of Alice in Resident Evil because this is the next step in Taco Bell’s evolution. I was ready to hate eating a taco shell made from chicken, but it was diabolically good.
$2.49
An all-timer. Its munchie-culture legacy is undeniable.
$3.79
Putting a cheese-filled Gordita around a hard taco is like Mario finding a star. It makes it invincible.
$3.99
It’s perfect. Easy to eat on the go, crunchy, creamy, cheesy, spicy, and it looks like a UFO. That’s everything I want when I’m high.
If you’re traveling you may need some discreet ways to get high.
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That Crunchwrap supreme is the best. Order it with the apple empanada and it’s just amazing. I’d say order some cinnamon twists too but they’ll just forget to put them in the bag so no need in that. Ha