Two Predictions

Can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Skin Suits

I assume this will happen somewhere around the year 3000. We’ll be able to step into some kind of full-body suit and become anyone we want. The options will be limited at first: male, female, white, Black. Then they’ll become more advanced. And we, well not us, but our grandkids’ grandkids to the tenth degree, will be able to choose specific ethnicities and hair colors. Then probably even bone and muscle structure.

They could either look like giant, puffy space suits that kind of stand on their own, the way an accordion would. And when you step into it, you pull it over your head then zip it down, and the zipper lives somewhere near the perineum—or taint. Then you pull a little cord on the sleeve and the whole thing suctions to your body. Or they could be more like Morphsuits. I used to want one of those so badly. I wonder what that says about me… And what it says about marketing. That an eleven year old kid would pay money to become invisible. I barely knew what money was, but I would pay it to put one of those shiny ass suits on. I still don’t know the first thing about money.

Obviously, there will be some defective suits that go out, where an eye’s down by the chin, or there are mad air bubbles, but some people will like them anyway and continue to wear them, and those who don’t will donate them and they’ll end up in third-world countries, with a bunch of far-out individuals walking around.

Phone Pills

This one might be common knowledge, but pretty soon we’re going to get tired of carrying, dropping, and losing our phones, so some genius will come up with the idea to turn them into pills. You take it once a month and all your contacts, apps, etc. will flow through your blood and upload into your brain. You’ll be able to go on the internet, take pictures through your eyeballs, Shazam songs by listening to them. I doubt Shazam will be around then, but if it is, hey, more power to ’em.

Anyway, everyone will be super smart but with, like, hundreds of thousands of pages of wrong information. And it could go one of two ways: Reality remains similar to how it is now, cordial, interactive, funny, sometimes sad; or it could become all of us sitting alone in our bedrooms, or kitchens, living rooms, and we have absolutely no interest in the outside world. Our rooms are a mess; all the major cities are too. No one really goes outside unless you have to to buy more pills or… What am I thinking? Obviously, somebody will invent the World’s First Digital Pill.

Or it could be cool. I don’t know. Maybe we’re less self-conscious because we can access all of the information in the world. And maybe knowing everything would lead to a more confident, flirtatious self, and now everyone’s at the farmers’ market making out.

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