High Horoscopes | Aug. 10, 2016

ARIES
If you could be like Keith Jarrett on the piano, or lead the philosophical debate on the economics of the EU or have a loving partner, a couple of kids and an average job as a social worker in your home city, which would you choose? Making life choices is tough. Deciding a life path is made doubly difficult since we never know the end results of each choice, like this silly question suggests. One extra piano lesson could lead to an accidental introduction to your future wife. You could stumble upon the perfect little jazz club while on your way to an international law seminar. How can we mere mortals be expected to navigate this epic maze blindfolded? Perhaps we are nothing but reality show entertainment for the gods. Or perhaps, the overall goal isn’t selecting the right option, but learning how to choose. Strain recommendation: Pennywise

TAURUS
Have you ever met someone who has a life mentor? I wonder how a person would be happy following another’s path, how this could possibly lead to self awareness or actualization. Mentors remind me of helicopter parents, constantly protecting their followers from danger, functionally stopping them from forming their own muscles and strength. You can get advice from friends, parents, teachers, strangers even, so why do you need one specific person to factor in on all of your choices? Are you doing this Taurus, have you given your power of attorney to someone potentially undeserving? Strain recommendation: Blue Crack

GEMINI
One summer a young man I knew flew clear across the country to tell a beautiful lass he had been seeing that he that he loved her.  Upon arrival, he found her casually dating a few guys, having believed their relationship had moved into friendship. This must be one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to a person. Worse than mistaking your relationship status though, is realizing that your sense of reality is skewed. I would recommend you go through your list of relationships and see if they are all in the place you think they are. It’s no fun learning their truth after buying a non one-way ticket. Strain recommendation: Shark Shock

CANCER
That romantic CD that was burnt for you, full of Ben Harper, Dave Matthews and heartfelt liner notes in colorful marker; the mixed tape that was laboriously made by waiting for a desired song to play on the radio, taping it while carefully not making a peep, and then transferring it to the second tape deck to edit out the pre-song chatter; the handwritten letter offering you love and a coupon for a free hug; the flower made of tissue paper. Do you have room in your life for simply made objects of affection anymore? Can you make some? Someone wants to give you their love but they fear it won’t match your modern kitchen and black leather couch set. Strain recommendation: Orange Velvet

LEO
When Janie came home she found no one else home. She puttered about, gathered a pile of dirty clothes and walked the length of her pad to put in the laundry. Her boyfriend, who was not out but quietly watching her from the couch, silently walked up behind her. Just as she dropped the load of clothes he tapped her shoulder and quietly said ‘boo’. Apparently, she leapt entirely out of her skin, flew across the apartment, made a Janie shaped hole in the front door, got out onto the lawn where she then fell to her knees and puked. She’s kind of like you this week Leo, overreacting to the smallest of stimuli because you are oblivious to your surroundings. Take off the horse blinders! Strain recommendation: Berry White

VIRGO
You are tenacious. You remind me of Scotty, who pushed an outdoor grill two miles in unbearable heat through the rush hour streets of New York to save on delivery charges. His girlfriend described his look upon arrival home as that of a dirty hot dog vendor melting under the weight of his own insanity. Scotty wasn’t a cheap man, but he loves finding a bargain, and he never gives up. Knowing when a good deal is worth the hassle is important, but knowing when the resulting story is worth it is gold. Strain recommendation: Banana Kush

LIBRA
This is a metaphor: Your first encounter with a little role-playing seemed tame; you threw on your moccasins from Niagara Falls and braided your hair. Suddenly you found yourself embarking on a slightly un-PC reimagining of the Sacagawea story, while your partner Lewis or Clarked himself into a sexual frenzy. You enjoyed it, but wondered why you had to be someone else to turn him on. Are you being judgmental, or insecure? Sex is supposed to be borderless, without shame for socially inappropriate fantasies, and as fetishes go this was pretty vanilla, but your gut felt icky afterwards. It’s hard to know when to push your comfort zone and when to draw the line. The cosmos are suggesting you try a more palatable version one more time, and if it doesn’t work for you, then unabashedly move on. Strain recommendation: Charlie Sheen

SCORPIO
You have love in your body this week. You see the setting sun making the little hairs on his arm glow, and you love him. You see the way she hides her crooked tooth when she laughs and you love her. The older lady on the subway quietly eating her sandwich, the kid showing off his skateboarding skills, the dog running after the garbage truck; they are radiating love at you. It’s almost unbearable. Soak it up while you can, these magic days of appreciation are more rare than they should be. Humanity is wondrous in its complexity and you get to be a part of it; lucky, lucky you. Strain recommendation: Platinum Girl Scout Cookies

SAGITTARIUS
Wouldn’t a month in the British countryside, wandering around the little towns, doing farmer things, drinking at the local pub with your new, sexy lover be fun? You could play house and explore an alternate version of you; the one who lives there, with those people and that beautiful woman. Or maybe try Costa Rica for a while, help run a small hotel on the beach and give tourists ecological tours while hand raising an orphaned monkey. The cosmos aren’t recommending traveling, but temporary alternate life-ing. Try on a new persona and see how it fits. See what you want to keep and what you can leave behind when you come home. Strain recommendation: Master Jedi

CAPRICORN
Stop being so brutal with yourself. If you could hear what you are thinking out loud, you’d cringe. If someone said these things about your mom you’d pop them in the nose. Remember how when you look at pics of your younger years you are always surprised by how good you looked? Well, take a selfie today and then skip all the years and distance it takes to appreciate yourself, and just do it now. Strain recommendation: White Rhino

AQUARIUS
We, the cosmos, are proud of our Aquarian friends this week. You have moved through a great wall of difficulty and pain, into a place of acknowledgement and peace. It wasn’t easy getting here, you kicked and screamed the whole way, refusing help and misplacing blame. Now you stand, the anger dissipating, emotionally naked for all to see. And you aren’t running or covering your nudity with a BS towel, just owning it and feeling it. The stars are saluting you with a round of applause! Strain recommendation: Headband

PISCES
We all have the best of intentions but sometimes the pieces just don’t fit. When the square peg is being repeatedly jammed into a round hole, we just have to stop at some point and recognize the misalignment. Your new job might seem perfect but you are getting a rash from the carpets and panic attacks from being on the 41st floor. Your blind date was going well until the goodnight kiss which felt like an inter-species breach. Squid, meet Koala. Take a step back and see the force you’ve had to employ to make this thing happen. It’s not working. Just let it go. Strain recommendation: Strawberry